(The sound of whistling up the steps; the loud zap of a doorbell)
Leone: Good murning, E.
Myself: Salve, Leone. Thank you for coming – this gas leak has really made me nervous.
Leone: Nuthing to worry about! Jusht let me see what the prublem ish.
Myself: Okay. Please do. I was so nervous about going to sleep last night and I shut all the windows really tightly and took a cold shower and just ate cold prosciutto and mozzarella for dinner so I wouldn’t have to open the gas….
Leone: Mamma mia, how you worry. Ukay, well, let’s shee.
(hunches over; sniffs the gas tank like a dog. Inhales deeply)
Myself: Did you bring a mask?
Leone: Mashk? Ha! Here, get me a glassh and fill it a little bit with shampoo.
Myself: How come?
Leone: To make shome foam.
Myself: All right.
(Spreads the foam onto the gas valves. Whistling, whistling, whistling)
Leone: Sho your gash is almost empty. What do you want to do about that?
Myself: Well, I’m heading back to Dublin on Thursday. I won’t be back until the 20th.
Leone: I shee, I shee. Ukay. Sho when you get back, you call me. Or you call the gash man and he’ll come over on his mutorcycle and bring you a new tank.
Myself: What’s the problem with the gas?
Leone: There’s no prublem. They’ve used Teflon on the fixtures. I don’t know. But – mamma mia! What a shtink.
Myself: I know. It really worried me. My neighbors noticed it, too.
Leone: But it’s not dangeroush.
Myself: It’s not?
(telephone rings; club music ring tone)
Leone: Excuse me, E. Prunto?
(Leone descends even further into local dialect: sh sh sh; sh sh sh. I can pick out “I’ll be there in fifteen minutesh” but the resht is a myshtery).
Leone: Anuther client. Ha! Ukay, anyway, you’re all fixed.
Myself: I am?
Leone: Yesh, yesh, yesh, but why wouldn’t you be?
Myself: Because it smells like there’s a gas leak.
Leone: No, no, no. Lishen. When you get back from Dublin, you call the gash man. He’ll bring you a new one. Do you smell gash now?
Leone: A-ha! No more shmell.
Myself: It’s open?
Myself: Well, okay.
Leone: You’re fine. Don’t worry.
Leone: … but jusht don’t leave it upen too long or BOOM!
Myself: Yes. I don’t know why I ever worried.