Hawt Dawgs for Tawts

This is what my children’s classes would be like – in an ideal world.


But I can’t jump that high. And the dazed, tiny toddlers barely realize they’re alive, let alone how much fun it would be to follow my lead. And I’ll probably never be Japanese. I do think, however, that I pulled a groin muscle this afternoon while teaching my 8 year olds the sure-to-be-an-instant-classic “Months of the Year Cha Cha.” Their level of amusement: a solid 8. Their level of commitment: a disappointing 2. My level of enthusiasm: a super fantastic 15!!!, thus my pain level’s fluctuation from a very awkward 6 to a manageable 3.

And thinking today – the Brits teach the kids “rubbish,” and “brilliant,” the Irish dazzle them with their “grands” and the Aussies and Kiwis do their best to bolster that “zed” nonsense. For our part, the North Americans contribute “oh my god” but I wonder if I can’t take it a step further. Sean boasts that he has taught the children to say “good evening” instead of “hello” and other teachers claim to have taught their kids milder swears. Not to be outdone, I intend to teach my kids to speak with a New York drawl. Cawfee. Dawg. Hawt dawg. Oh my gawd. No, Yuki. No. Say it again. Daaaaaawwg. Wrong! Listen. Dawwwwg. Ah, brilliant. Just brilliant.

Must only wait until the lesson’s vocabulary involves snacks, animals, and Western religions. For the moment, I’ll settle for “Whaddup.”

0 Replies to “Hawt Dawgs for Tawts”

  1. a) Zed is not nonsense.

    b) You shouldn’t say North America, because that lumps in two very different places. You should say The Mighty Nation and that disgusting lower portion of land that houses nothing but jokers.

    Think about it, the earth itself CHOSE to have The Mighty Nation above all. Coincidence?

    I’m glad you didn’t make mention of any Might Nation accent, because you agree that speaking correctly is not an accent.

  2. ieatmypigeon says: Reply

    The Canadians have nothing to teach the Japanese in the way of English, since the Japanese already say “ehhhhhhhh?????” compulsively. I’ve yet to hear a kid say “deke out” or “aboot” or refer to a pack of beer as a “2-4,” although I have heard a few say, “Oh my god, I wish I were American.” I can only assume they learned that from a Canadian.

  3. ieatmypigeon says: Reply

    Oh, and regarding “zed” … it IS nonsense. Zed. The sound the letter makes is “zee.” It’s as ridiculous as “Double U,” when W isn’t even a double U but a double V and the sound it makes is “wuh.” At this moment, American linguists are developing a snappier, more sensible name for the W, just like they did with Z. They’re test driving it now with the Nintendo Wii and I think it’ll be a smash hit.

  4. whatsamattayouface?

  5. Hi Liv. What does “Chichi! Kirei!” mean?

  6. ieatmypigeon says: Reply

    hi, Stan! “Chichi” means “boob” and “kirei” means “beautiful.” The kid had good taste but … you know.

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