So one of the things that I do while I’m driving around town and having Daffy Duck moments is listen to the radio. It turns out that there are about ten songs the DJs play over and over… but over and over. Like, turn on the radio and it’s 100% guaranteed you will find one of these songs, only to flip the station and find another.
Now, listen. No one obsesses like I do; ask anyone who’s ever lived with me and they’ll be quick to tell you that when I like a song, I will play only that song for the next three days. Ask Diego, who once hurled my “Karma Chameleon” single out the car window. Ask Momo and Erma, who had to suffer through my “Livin’ La Vida Loca” and “Danny’s Song” phases. Is it the fact that these songs are played over and over on the radio that bothers me? Of course not. It’s that they play them over and over and that they suck. Especially that they suck. Absolutely that they suck.
- Ogni Tanto by Gianna Nannini
This is a slow-paced love song that tries to sound like rock, offered to an unsuspecting populace by Italian rock legend Gianna Nannini. I hate slow-paced songs (unless they’re really beautiful and not stupid) but I love rock so Ogni Tanto – a cruel, whiny mockery – is like a slap in the face each time I hear it. What’s your problem, Gianna. Why you gotta play me this way. Hit “seek” – NEXT.
- Tutto L’Amore Che Ho by Jovanotti
Another love song trying to act all dark and shizz by using synth and rough voices and car crashes and whatevs. You can’t hide a turd by covering it in chocolate is all I’m sayin’. Still stinks.
- Rolling in the Deep by Adele
Now this is actually a really good song. I still hate it, though. Why? Because it’s lame to drive to, that’s why. I want this song in a dark and dank night club, and I want to watch the lusty-voiced Adele sing it while I’m drinking Scotch and discussing lousy poetry with a hipster douchebag named Jonas. Not that I drink Scotch. Not that I enjoy poetry. Actually, I kind of hate poetry and I really hate Scotch. And I only like night clubs in theory. But still, a good song. Just not for my drive home. And not every damn time I turn on the radio.
- Born This Way by Lady Gaga
I, like many who have by now heard Gaga’s latest track, am completely underwhelmed. It’s “Express Yourself” all over again, with less joy and a far more blatant dash of pro-gay sentiment. Would I still hate this song if I hadn’t heard the majestic, brilliant “Bad Romance” first? Would I sing along to it if I didn’t totally rock the bridge? Would I even entertain it if Gaga didn’t have some badass pipes? Doubtful.
- Airplanes by B.o.B.
Of all your mind-numbing pieces of repetitive drudgery. Want to know what wish I could use right now? A muzzle for everyone who worked on this song.
- What’s My Name? by Rihanna ft. Drake
Something I’ve often wondered about R&B and/or rap musicians – why the obsession with their own names? Is it because they’re too stupid to remember? Come to think of it, maybe I should be rewarding Rihanna for her brutal honesty.
- Stay the Night by James Blunt
If it isn’t painfully obvious by now, I hate love songs. I especially hate love songs sung by James Blunt, who somehow manages to celebrate the most banal moments of any love affair. This song would get nowhere near as much airplay if the Italians understood the lyrics.
- Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
More shiny-faced youngsters singing about love. Wait until you grow up and realize that sometimes love isn’t enough to build a house on, Bruno.
ETA: Actually, this song is kind of cute and so is Bruno. Might be growing on me. Whatever. I still hate it.
And now we get into the songs that I do like; the songs that I’m thrilled to catch the tail end of on Italian radio.
- Überlin by R.E.M.
To be fair, I’ve had R.E.M appreciation drilled into me from a young age, since mine own Greta is their Number 1 Fan 4 Life. To this day, I can’t hear the name Michael without automatically shouting back Stipe! and will, any time I hear an R.E.M song by chance, listen to it until the very end in honor of my friend. Happily, Überlin is a kick-ass delight to listen to – ghostly echoes of Losing My Religion and brilliant guitar work following me down the autostrada.
- All You Need Is Now by Duran Duran
Saving the absolute best for last… it’s Duran Duran! Smoking hot new album on the charts and darned if the boys themselves aren’t as tasty as ever. What a joy it is to catch this song on Radio Monte Giove, then flip through the stations only to find it on another station. Best of all, the heavy album promotion has inspired DJs to play other Duran Duran hits. This all makes me as happy as a puppy with two peters. Not to mention the girl wood.
All sorts of peen tropes here, folks. All sorts.